Winda: The Overthinking Mbak-Mbak Kantoran
Sudah terlalu lama tidak menulis. Terlalu overthinking. Apakah topik yang akan ditulis cukup menarik untuk dibaca orang-orang? Apakah premisnya cukup masuk akal untuk dijadikan sebuah artikel. Dan yang paling tidak bisa saya terima: apakah tulisan ini cukup keren untuk Winda, si mbak-mbak kantoran late thirties yang beberapa waktu terakhir banyak mengevaluasi posisinya di tempat kerja sebagai Director of Human Resources.
Ok, let me get this straight, I am now trying to be more honest to myself. Trying. Thats the key, and it might not be easy. For whatever reasons I dont know, i am not so comfortable to say and talk about my position out loud. I am grateful for sure. And of course proud. But, i am so afraid that it will sound sombong and people wont appreciate it.
Dont get me wrong, I love my job. I really do. Tidak seperti meme yang sering menertawakan office job seolah-olah kegiatan bekerja kantoran ini a big joke. No, for me, this is part of me. Part of my identity. Like it or not all my personal achievements are only possible because of this 9-6 job.
Not only the house, car, travelling, my parents comfort. Beyond that, my decision making skills, my problem solving capability, my "prepare for the worst" value, and even Winda the extrovert, all because I was well trained at work. Actually there were times i "consult" my friend, siblings, even my parents in a very "HR way" and thats what they like when they talk to me. Sense and solutions. I guess.
But sometimes i am overwhelmed. A friend told me once "Winda, i want you to feel! Angry with me! Sad with me! Not giving me some logical advice." Maybe this person were right. I have to feel a bit more. But feeling is hurt. I dont like it.
Being an HR Director I feel that have some sort of responsibility to be resourceful. When people are confused with their problem, i should always be able to give them options, to decide the solutions. You know, menjadi Kak Inda dan Ibu Winda. I tried, almost all the time. Tapi kadang-kadang saya juga tidak tahu jawabannya. Kesalahan terbesarnya mungkin, instead of bilang "maaf, i cant help you or i dont know what to do" saya biasanya akan bilang "wait, give me sometimes. let me think/find another way" It's actually menyenangkan. Rewarding malah kalau masalahnya selesai.
Ketika interview dengan tempat kerja yang sekarang, salah satu pertanyaannya (calon) bos adalah "what do you enjoy the most from your job" with no hesitation i said "conflict management. solving the unpleasant situation that seems unlikely to be handled by others." It sounds cooky i know, but thats the reality. The side effects, I actually absorbing lots of the collateral damage. The low energy, the heat of emotions, the wave of sadness, and of course the joy of celebrations. Maybe that's actually because I am a pick me girl. Am I? Always want to be different. Always want to control the room. The best in the group. The attention seeker. Maybe that's who I am.
What I am so afraid now? Am I being too much? Am I getting so sombong and annoyed people around me? Am I stealing the lights from others? I cant do this. I have to slow down. I have to lay low. I guess.
And I am tired. I need time alone. Soon.
